Welcome to Ethical Smut,
where we explore the taboo
without shame or blame.
FOR THE VERY BEST, SHAMELESSLY TABOO, PREMIUM EROTICA
Now offered both as the Ethical Smut and Dungeons & Decadence erotic fantasy adventure imprints, available here in digital editions, as well as select Amazon paperbacks and both iBooks and Kindle digital editions!
Upscale, Taboo Slut Smut; Shameless, Submissive and Usually Stoned
My idea of brand building is more like being branded, or wearing someone's pearls, or at least being tramp stamped. If I suck at marketing, refer to second image from right for context.
Feminists? I know, I know, but I'm just not dialled that way. I am smart, if admittedly prone to being a coked-up bimbo whenever my 'getting to do drugs if I follow the rules' schedule permits me the luxury of being a horny, easy airhead for a few days; confident, and resilient in most areas of my life. But when it cums to being fucked, I am an utter mewling, submissive cock worshipping slut and I love my life that way. If my Mom hasn't managed to change me, trust me, you never will.
I just know what I like, and what I like tends to be cocaine, being fucked or giving head, being fucked or giving head while sniffing cocaine and having fun writing filthy hot taboo smutty stories, and occasionally working on my serious (but still smutty) novel.
If it helps, I can't cook for shit, consider cleaning house a waste of time better spent high out of my fucking mind, being fucked out of my mind, or putting my mind to use writing filthy hot taboo erotica or seriously considering trying porn. Oh, and I give my housemate legendary head, because if I am not out partying, he's what's on the menu, even if he is a jerk for smirking so much about being 'my pacifier.'
If you ever see a porn starlet named Sophie Spun that will be me. It was that or Trudy Thwacked.
Off My Tits (As Usual)?
Being the Unicorn
One of my earlier efforts at essay form self-exploration and exposition. Mind, I was flying on LSD for the first time since, like, school while, because the LSD came after a metric fuckton of cocaine, I was also totally absorbed in a couple of 4K resolution porn scenes, the high-definition world of pretty people fucking being at the time a revelation to me.
It is a sad myth that unicorns fart rainbows. I say sad because I am one, but I definitely don't.
If I did I would do porn without a second's thought though.
All you need to know about me is that I wrote this little bit of introspection while tripping on acid and watching porn. What you may or may not already know, but just to be certain, is that a unicorn in modern hooking up parlance, is a bisexual woman willing to be the third in the bed but not looking to be 'part of the relationship' in the sense that she comes and goes, but doesn't stick around for the drama or the housework. Apparently, this makes us 'rare and magical, highly sought after,' which is flattering and much less blunt than what I used to be called, which was some variation of 'dirty slut.' Which I take offence to. I am absolutely a slut, but my hygiene is beyond reproach. Especially since, with winter ending and my sex life perking up I've even mown the lawn, as it were, from full-on hippie jungle to neatly trimmed but very definitely still a visibly natural redhead.
That unicorns, traditionally, are very, very male fertility symbols (hung like a horse, big horn on the forehead not exactly subtle as phallic symbols go, and only the purest maidens could 'ride' them) has me vaguely amused, but then I am a mythology slut as well as a slut of mythic... You get the idea. Anyhow, that's unicorns. Who the Internet has also memed (see what I did there?) fart rainbows, hence the choice of graphic header.
I get asked a lot of different questions about being wired unicorn slut • currently coming down from psychedelic snowbunny unicorn. People have so many questions and make so many assumptions, it’s sometimes bewildering when it’s not a philosophy I follow or anything, it’s how I’m dialled. Not good for the long term and know it. So being a bit of a gypsy (technically a wandering Jew but same idea, right?) can mean not overstaying my welcome and being appreciated for what I am where before the whole unicorn notion spread it was just ‘slut’ or ‘happy lay.’
As an aside I find it amusing that unicorns are the symbol for bisexual women who, in essence, fuck around, considering that unicorns were actually symbols of masculinity run rampant. The horn is very definitely phallic, and according to myths only virgins could, um, mount and ride them. Take that as you will. But they've gotten cartoonified and feminized and who am I to complain? Pretty!
Well, what’s wrong with being happy? It can be fleeting, so find it where you can. Once in a while maybe you know you’re just a sex toy for a couple's fantasy but more often I feel special to people I get to know and share with in ways almost no one else ever will.
This last week, in no way representative, was really different but magical for me too. I was two couples’ unicorn at once, for friends who had never gone there before and did it together. It was so beautiful. Even if I was totally high the whole time (plying me with cocaine is rarely a bad idea if you’re wanting to get lucky and just meeting Molly with has ruined ever being in my right mind again for me). I felt like a princess. And being able to kind of be where these four people, um, met in the middle, it was a privilege, not just a lot (I mean, like, a lot) of pleasure.
And I know that that wouldn’t last. I mean how could it? So just be their magical experience and that is why I wouldn’t be any other way than about other people. I’m a good time, not a long time. Why be ashamed of understanding myself well enough to not be in my own way, or my worst influence?
So I won’t get to grow old with… Yes I will. With my friends. Not everyone who knows me gets blinded by the label, you know. Or lets me get away with anything because of it, which while helping at grounding me is frequently annoyingly inconvenient, as I try to get away with quite a bit. And I fart like everyone else, stinky not rainbows. (I wish, I’d totally try porn if I did, except that I would surely die if my Mom ever saw. Unicorns have moms too, and they probably struggle to understand that we’re not damaged, just different.)1
Besides, it was from my mom that I learned the expression ‘lady on the street, freak between the sheets’ not to mention that neither of us would recognize my dad if he showed up on our doorstep, so maybe there’s something passed down there… (Sorry mom, just teasing. But you so did say that, and we've had the single mother conversation too.)
I just can’t imagine being any other way, but it doesn’t mean I don’t wonder too. We all have questions. I guess that’s kind of the point. Not so much finding the answer, but the right question for you.
I am so fucking high right now, tripping in a big way so this might all be nonsense, but it’s kind of how it feels to not know anything either, but from the other side of the mirror.
And if I’m honest, you make me feel more like a person than I could ever manage myself, and that’s why too. You’re all magic, just not necessarily in as much of a four year-old, special snowflake sort of way. Which is just right, when you’re looking the other way in and wondering what all the fuss is about most of the time.
I did lie about one thing, though.
Rainbows, every one of them. Would I lie to you?
1 Yipes, did I ever call that one, though in a way I did not see coming, tried my damndest to prevent, and when that didn't happen, well, that's a story I probably won't be writing up, at least not with my name and imprint associated with it.
Her Threesome Too
What's good for the goose, and all that. I am working on a rather vexingly long and only going to get longer article, or at this rate PhD thesis on the topic of multiple partners, but while I slave away at that and the eleventy-one other unfinished projects I have this seemed to be a good place to start.
OK, so this is a foursome, sosumi.
So, to the men who fantasize about, or have even enjoyed the mff threesome, I propose to you the following notion.
Many women fantasize about a mmf three-way, and from my experience and chatting, much fewer actually experience one.
I’m pretty certain that the why boils down to, essentially, jealousy, insecurity (both of which women are just as prone to, by the way) and a double-standard.
Gentlemen, if your lady has been gracious enough to help you experience two pussies in the bed, whether or not the girls are into one another, if she gets wet at the thought of two cocks between the sheets it behooves you not only to not be a hypocrite about it, but to make it happen in the hottest ways imaginable.1
I understand that :
Now, please consider :
If your mff threesome was a fantasy come true and she allowed, or helped make it happen… (‘birthday threesomes’ don’t count. If she arranged one as a total surprise, chances are very good that she’s into it too.)
Then not only should you be letting her have her mmf three-way if she so wishes, you should do everything you can to make it her ride of a lifetime too.
Including finding, or helping her find, or otherwise being OK with a gorgeous, sexy, stylish, athletic and well-hung guy or whatever it is she is itching to enjoy.
You got your Scandinavian au pair or Brazilian volleyball player experience?
Let her have hers, and let her enjoy it. Let her revel in it. it’s her special night.
Know what’ll make it even more so, and assuage much of your insecurity that she’ll run off with the Clydesdale? (Other than 'did you drop her for the blonde with the epic rack?')
Be part of it. An integral, fully-invested, balls deep part of it. Show her not only are you letting go some, but that you want to leave her glowing with every wet dream fulfilled.
Then you’ll be the reason she wouldn’t think of leaving you. Like, ever. With a BJ on top, maybe the booty too.
Maybe even repeat experiences for either or both of you if you still have the hankering.
(Though if so, and with the same girl, then you’re getting into unicorn territory, which has its own dynamic. I don’t know exactly what the non-bisexual male equivalent is, but my point is just that always be very aware whether your hooking up might be heading into less casual waters, in whose eyes and whether that is something new and exciting to consider, or to be avoided at all costs.)
But believe you me, that big, hard, tireless cock and the stud wielding it will absolutely, positively blow her mind, rock her socks, curl her toes… For the night. To be remembered fondly as she cuddles you, or looks up with her cheeks hollowing and her head bobbing, or making you the best damned breakfast, even if she has to wake you up from your erotic dream about the centrefold you took to bed with her to serve it to you.
Again, you want her to have the full ride fantasy. Or, you should, if you care for her, can get over yourself and aren’t a hypocrite.
You want her to have it with you fully involved. If she wants to be finger-cuffed (some people call it spit-roasted), or the other 'two in the girl' experiences, she very likely wants you to be part of it. (If not, whether you're fine with that or not so much, you’re heading into either murkier or kinkier waters than this essay is intended to cover.) She wants to remember how you nailed her too, held her while she was cumming her lights out, kissed her, made her feel yours while enjoying her special sexy time with you.
If she, like me (I admit it, how woefully stereotypical of me for a change) has the itch to experience the BBC, then let her and get into it with her. (Not referring to the British Broadcasting Corporation here.)
Whatever floats her boat.
You may even find your own sea levels rising along with her.
But at the very least, I would bet that the attention she pays you, while she’s being ploughed, sucking another man’s cock, or whatever filthy hot bit is where you get queasy at first thought, will be out of this world intense.
Believe me, it really gets a girl’s attention to have you, say, in her mouth and Ivan behind her fucking her brains out. Or vice-versa. Or both, as often as you men can provide until she’s walking funny for a week.
You got the gymnast, the big perky boobs, the dirty-hot just past jailbait season ticket, or whatever?
Hell, in a perfect world, while girls admit to more bi-curiosity or experience than men, if you got to enjoy watching your lady lezzie it up while also getting to tap those asses? She’d get to see you…
Well, not every woman goes mental at male bisexuality, but some do. At leas one does, cough, cough.
Think about it.
While you’re at it, maybe even consider that a foursome, swapping and ganging up with another couple might hit a lot of these buttons at once, too.
1 Being in all ways the exception to most rules, I’ve enjoyed more than a couple such romps, which seem to fall into two types with one variable: either the men gang up on me (oh, the horror), be it finger-cuffing or the even naughtier ‘riding one man while the other gets behind me and, well, gets the booty,' or the men tag-team me, switching off so that one of them is always nailing me, while the other may watch, or even leave the room until his turn is up. The variable being whether the men are bi, or curious, or strictly straight.
Once in a while, I'll be offering preview chapters of stories in progress and other such goodies in the hopes of enticing more viewers to click on my little site. Here is an assortment of story ideas, expressed as cover images. I am always open to suggestions regarding future story themes, kinks, settings or characters, so feel free to tell me what makes you horny. Chances are just knowing that will get me wet too. I am really starting to like the covers I am coming up with, too. If not graphic design genius, they have soothing and complementary colour palettes, cute and/or sexy people on them (must use more men) and my name somewhere on each cover! Loving the Dungeons & Decadence look in particular.
In addition to such new titles or ideas as inspire my pervy little mind to get my fingers to do their walkin,' I am focusing over the next 6 months or so on finishing any outstanding titles, particularly sequels or the possible culmination of a series for publication as a paperback as well, as well as pursuing the potential opportunity that my sex toy partnership idea might represent.
All prices in $CDN (which is currently worth about ⅔ the $USD equivalent) unless otherwise specified.
Captured, Chained & Collared
A Pick an Erotic Adventure Path Story
This second instalment of the Pick an Erotic Adventure Path series of interactive, multiple-choice, multiple possible outcomes erotic fantasy role-playing novellas under the Dungeons & Decadence imprint featuring Lenorae, a plucky young half-Elven maiden whose adventures in danger, discovery, plunder and pleasure will be the reader's to guide when the newly sexually awakened half-Elf is taken prisoner, seemingly to be sold as a slave at auction.
Whether she escapes, submits to her new fate or finds another way will depend entirely on you, the reader, who can explore several available, intertwining paths, effectively making this more than one erotic story, to be enjoyed as often as you like.
Estimated completion date 8/2019
The Wet Wizardess
A Pick an Erotic Adventure Path Story
Lenorae and some of her former friends, foes and lovers return to meet new people, challenges and, finally, Vindaloo the Dragonet in this sexy yet fateful third instalment in the Dungeons & Decadence imprint's interactive, multiple choice, multiple possible outcomes erotic role-playing novellas, in which certain lurking menaces are hinted at and unforeseen secrets are revealed!
Estimated completion date 9/2019
Encore Performance Live on the BBC
An Erotic Sequel
BBC still not meaning British Broadcasting Corporation, though the joke is less funny I suppose when the evidence to the contrary is so, erm, obviously, ah, distractingly overwhelmingly Big, Black and Roslyn Wantsesy?
Returning to John and Mina Harmon one year after their memorable tenth wedding anniversary as they find new ways to celebrate their many and increasingly varying unions and Mina in particular comes out with her really, really dirty kinks where the 'other' BBC is concerned. Interracial, Married Couple Experimenting, BBC and, um, Shoe and Style Porn.
NSFS. (Not Safe For Slobs.)
Estimated completion date 6/2019
More Colombiana Muff
An Erotic Sequel
In this continuation of the events first depicted in Muff Diving Off The Coast Of Cartagena, that beautiful country's natural beauty, and beauties are explored in intimate detail by the handsome, wealthy US yachting enthusiast, his local contact and a couple of Australian tourists caught au natural in the wild. Must-Read, particularly in combination with the first instalment.
Estimated completion date 7/2019
Other writers and their stories I have enjoyed. All are entirely unsolicited and I receive neither review copies nor compensation for any sales resulting from my breathless praise. Just bought a handful of stories by authors I met on Twitter so expect more reviews soon!
I acknowledge that I am shamefully behind on my reviewing, I've collected a number of yummy-looking titles from other authors but haven't gotten to them yet. Too much porn, not enough erotica!
Now that I've tried tweaking and am quite utterly thwacked, I should be up more to do some reading, reviewing and giving self the devil horns while at it. My issue is that when I am high I tend to prefer visual stimulus while self-stimulating (any number of times and ways, it gets confusing, even to me).
Cute Socks: A Shy Girl and Her Best Friend Have Naked Fun While Home Alone
Confessions: I tripped over Cammie Conte on Twitter when she followed me, I did her too (ahem) and, while snooping her thread, saw this title's cover and was hooked on the spot.
I will also note that I am not the only writer of smutty stories to have a specific dyslexia when reading cozy socks, but I digress (frequently).
Then, when browsing it, I found: Cute, sexy, fun and free of calories sexy fun, a character named Julia (the name of the woman I am madly smitten with), the protagonist having both a cute little muff (plus from me, too many smooth pussies out there) and a perfect bum, which if you know me, well, I'm a bum girl.
It's written in an upbeat, happy style, gets to the point without skipping the plot, is happy lezzie times and...
Well, I won't spoil it, but it's hot. Love the cover, too! Cammie has edited out the confused character misnaming so I am rewarding her with that final one-third of a present!
$4 CDN, free with Kindle Unlimited.
Overcranked, Book 1
I was surprised to notice that I hadn't in fact already read this one. I've had it purchased and lurking on my Kindle reader forever.
I've read so many positive comments about OVERCRANKED that I may have kind of 'read it by osmosis,' or assumed that I had. Rest assured, this oversight has been OVERCORRECTED.
It's an ALL CAPS, BOLDED kind of smutty story with a fairly simple premise, couched in a delightfully well, ah, fleshed-out near future setting. Our heroine's clock is ticking, and the only thing that'll rewind it so that she can live another day is to :
How, I ask, could you go wrong as a choice of alone time read? Some do so one-handed, I prefer the slow autoscroll setting or, if I'm feeling especially dirty and dyslexia-tolerant, have Siri read it to me in her sexy Australian girl-accented voice.
And before anyone accuses me of not being very particular about handing out five present reviews, I prefer to think that I've simply shown good taste in which stories I've picked to review.
The Complete Adventures of Amy
I have to admit that I've always been attracted to the British way of writing. Their wry humour and, for people with an undeserved reputation as prudes, a really open and healthy attitude towards shagging. Poppy is, of course, British (I am guessing English) and this lends her a certain sexy Miss Moneypenny air that is unlikely an accident, since 007 encountered one Holly Goodhead, some time before or after Pussy Galore of course...
In short, I am writing this after her first story, set in an exclusive English finishing school for over-privileged but under-capable young women.
It's a sexy riot. Being able to combine laughter and horniness to result in a really good, toe-curling cum is a rare talent and a gift Miss Goodhead has in spades.
I'll update this as further stories may warrant, but for now it's full marks from me!
Five stories for £6, or $10 CDN is a bargain as well. Not to mention that Poppy is one of the friendliest writers of smutty stories I've come across online.
Weekend With Friends
While it's a straightforward group sex and wife swapping romp, it's a delightfully naughty and refreshingly well written one that I found felt very authentic in the warmth between the main characters, the sense of real friendship between couples, and of adventure in exploring others.
A Bouquet of Gardenias
I have to admit that, after having read a number of gushing reviews on Twitter, I began my read prepared to be disappointed. Not due to any failing on the author's part, but as a rule I'm often let down by just about anything that receives that sort of build-up. (Blade Runner 2040, I'm looking at you.)
And, if I'm honest, A Bouquet of Gardenias was not the second cumming. (Metaphorically speaking. If literally, then it was a few more than that...)
It wasn't the single most erotic experience of my life.
Which in no way takes away from what it was. That would be a superbly written, characterized and presented effort, touching on a number of highly-charged encounters, from lead-in to afterglow, woven into a coherent plot, and one which kept my attention for more than five hundred pages, no less. Judy Kemp can write! And she knows which of her readers' hot buttons to push, doing so with panache. She also provides fantastic value at just $3.80 CDN.
A must-read, not just because of the commotion surrounding the title. (Or the very distracting ads she posts on Twitter.) As a fledgling writer, I aspire to one day be able to write a full-length novel as well as she has with A Bouquet of Gardenias.
Erotic Stories: Share And Be Shared
Coming next once I finish one-handed review of Overcranked!
Now loaded for Siri to try desperately avoiding having to speak certain naughty words; what do you call audiobook pleasure mingled with Apple prudishness?
Sating The Hunger: A Tale of Lesbian Lust, Blood and Magick
As much as I love men, and believe you me, I do love men, there are times when only a girl's touch will quite do.
I also love me some pussy... and boobies, booty and VAMPIRES!
(Sorry, residual all-caps bolding due to recently being excessively overcranked...)
Interview With the Vampire being one of only two Anne Rice books I consider enjoyable, much less 'not desperately in need of an editor,' (the other being The Mummy, if curious), Fevre Dream enthralled me decades before George R. R. Martin appeared on your radar with A Song of Ice and Fire, and Dracula, both as written and as filmed by Coppola, hit the right sexy spots. None of them, though, are much Queer-porn, the only decent series I can name that involves that and vampires being the Covenant With the Vampire trilogy.
Being a long-time role-player of the D&D and World of Darkness variety, not the MMO type, I've long enjoyed by bloodsuckers transparently ripped off of Anne Rice, mislabelled by Georgians who aren't so much good with French or Spanish, and occasionally, when I was really coked off my tits, played out live-action style, which if nothing else (particularly relating to my dignity) was sure to get me laid, often by more than one person, and hopefully some other equally nerdy-horny girls among them.
That's what I'm looking forward to in this book, and given that the author spells magic with a 'k,' I doubt I'll be disappointed.
Sign Up To Maybe Hook Up?
I'll be sharing inside information about stories in progress as well as subscribers' kinks, taboos, requests and such. Also, now that I'm at least a porn talent if not yet so much a starlet, I will be morally obliged to have at least one 'win a date spent fucking my brains out' type raffle with the people who basically only sign up to maybe get laid. I am in no way too proud to take a good, hard fucking. I am proud to have never sold myself, traded my body for cocaine (or anything else) or otherwise crossed lines I set for myself long ago, though I have no issue whatsoever with people who do otherwise... but I do find myself wondering if a raffle for a date, assuming I could manage to put myself together for a night out, might be fun to try some time. So many drawings per ticket or something, and the unlucky winner gets stuck with me for a night (or weekend if a lot of travel would be involved)? It's just something I am thinking about, and my thinks on the subject will be in my newsletter.
Porn, Uhm, Reviewing?
So, I began writing what was going to be a review/explanation to someone I knew what it was about a bit of porn in particular that really, ah, had me going.
I digressed, as we do, and as I really do, and as I am also prone to, I ventured well, well off the beaten track in doing so, happily treading all over where I'd likely have been better not venturing, but as my best friend and my Mom are always telling me, I was born without a lick of sense and show the most appallingly poor judgment more often than not.
Somewhere along the way my so-intended review became a combination slice-of-my-real-life and worst review ever, on account of I even forgot to mention the title. I may one day correct those oversights if, and I do this at the urging of my best friend who in no way would just love to watch this explode in my face but who had a point when he told me that either I'd lose every one of the few followers I have by posting it publicly, or I'd become a #sexblogger legend and, well, nothing ventured, right?
We'll see how the first one is received, I suppose... To be clear, because I might not have been while writing, these are intended to be part real porn scene reviews, at least in future, part satire and will always be written with the aim, if not necessarily that being particularly good aim, but the best of intentions, of serving as a platform for me to make yet another social commentary style observation about yet another way in which sexuality, sex workers, or some related notion have been stigmatized, and just how I am not having that.
The following essays are appallingly free of the slightest concern for the sensibilities of those for whom they were initially intended, but please try to keep in mind that nothing about them, or me I hope, is in any way bigoted, prejudiced or otherwise anything but written with love, a questionable sense of humour and a desire to share, however inappropriately.1
1 Well, nothing except anything I might have to opine concerning white supremacists, racists or bigots of any type, who I will likely continue to heap abuse onto because, I mean, why wouldn't you put down these diseased fuckwits at every opportunity, then go out of your way to create even more opportunities to do so?
Horse Fluffing & Breeding The 'White Race' To Extinction?
WARNING : Reviewer being even more inappropriate and potentially offensive themes and language than the title implies, but in no way racist or remotely anything but satirizing and openly belittling those who are, in no way reflective of Blacked.com or anyone associated with creating, producing or distributing the title being, ahem, reviewed. Kinda.
Originally intended to be an entirely positive review of a Blacked.com scene that really turned me on and why, but then being really, really stoned and my millisecond attention span took over...
Stepsisters Share Everything
BJ, Foursome, BBC
These are not the ‘gorgeous black men with horse cocks’ I mentioned earlier when I lamented never having met such a man RL but definitely being down to trying if ever.
These are huge, not at all unattractive black men with horse cocks who, in the minds of total fuckwits like the KKK, represent the 'thuggish, gangsta' black men will beat the shit out of any white man who tries to stop their plan to exterminate the ‘white race’ because any white girl who even sees one of those cocks will immediately be totally enslaved and do nothing, not even eat or sleep, except smoke crack and make black babies so that there are literally no white women not making black babies so there will be no more white people.
Not kill white people. Fuck them black. KKK worst nightmare. Killed being infinitely better than their mothers. sisters, daughters all just crackhead cock sockets and baby bakeries for the niggers forever.
Obviously I believe absolutely none of that personally, though I am pretty certain that I just exactly described like the Top Secret Emergency KKK GOSPEL, except that me, personally, I am pretty damned certain that if I ever got a fucking by anyone hung like that, I don’t care if black, white, yellow or bright purple I would definitely be a total cock slave, but not so much the babies and I sniff cocaine, but I won’t smoke crack.
But I have been itching to meet a guy who just ruins me forever, just never met anyone hung like Man o’ War, but I see them in porn and I admit, I don’t even know if I could fit, but I would give it the best try of my life to find out, even just once, what “OH MY GOD IT NEVER ENDS?” feels like.
Whether that is ‘better than cocaine-coated magic’ or ‘I am going to die of internal bleeding and this does not feel in any way good, it feels like I am being killed.’
Just to know.
And knowing me it would probably be somehow both.
Secondly : I thought there was only one of them. Two is just really not playing in any way fair.
Thirdly : LOOK at those chicks. Like PERFECT perky slightly jailbait incesty twin cock worshipping, because I not only love sucking cock, I can watch hot girls sucking magnificent cocks literally forever.
And they have those perfect to me, being an ass girl, those are the ones I just go plain retarded for.
And they are synchronized fucking?
This is porn I would smoke so much crack on live feed to the entire world watching that I would be totally into sucking a literal horse’s cock on same live feed, while Vladimir Putin fucked my ass as if he thought I was the thirteen year old Miss Virginal Ukraine just to be allowed to be in that scene.
🎟 🎟 🎟 🎟 🎟
Five out of Five.
I am exaggerating only because, well, for one I mean I do love cock…
IF IT IS HUMAN.
Also, have you ever seen a horse cum?1
1 I have. Not in porn or anything, I was at an equestrian stable or whatever they call them and it was just, and this is so weird, but for some reason, when it’s to breed like racehorses or something they have people jerk the stallions off for I honestly have no earthly idea why, but it’s not sexy, it’s like one of the shitty jobs the person everyone hates has to do. I know this just from the look on the guy doing it’s face.
“I need to get another job. ANY other job other than Horse Fluffer, which title I just thought of but if it wasn’t awful already having that be on your business card? Just kill yourself.”
But when they go off? And I don’t know if that was the plan or were they supposed to like edge them to get them ready for the filly and someone was a bit too good at hand jobbing a horse, and there’s something to put on your CV, but…
Firstly, it is one shot, not like humans. Secondly it is like a fucking fire hose exploded or something. It’s like BOOM! GALLONS!?
I mean I saw this happen to the stupid fucker who was…
He looked like he’d been drowned in an ocean of like that white glue you get in kindergarten? In 0.1 second flat.
I don’t even want to imagine the smell or taste, but I can tell you he knows the taste because seriously unless you had a space helmet on?
When I say covered, I mean, seriously, imagine a fire hose right in the face.
Like I didn’t even realize what…
Wait, that was… Oh fucking HELL NO!!!
I am never coming within a mile of a horse ever, period. Not even a mare. That was obscene.
I am laughing now but at the time? I was HORRIFIED.
OH MY GOD THAT POOR MAN!!!
Do they take him to the hospital or something, or straight to the mental health ward?
Or just get an actual fire hose filled with bleach instead of water or what?
So, not so much for me, but now you have that mental image and you’re welcome.
I had to see it so I am sharing the wealth.
So none of that.
But I would definitely take a shot in the bum, pussy, mouth, whatever from Vladimir Putin if I could either be in that scene or one like it, or Hell, be one of those girls because they are so, so, so much hotter than I am.
I am not knocking me.
They are so, so, so much hotter than pretty much anyone.
And the one with the slightly Asian features in the nerd glasses?
That is just plain evil.